The Emotional Side of Home Downsizing
September 12, 2009 by Mr. GoTo
Filed under Downsizing
I write regularly here on the topic of downsizing your home because it’s something we think about often. We spend most of our time in a house that is much larger than we need. We also have a lot of equity tied up in that house. That equity could likely be put to much better use.
The question of whether (and when) to downsize a home also has emotional aspects.
Everyone is susceptible to becoming emotionally attached to where they live. This includes baby boomer parents who are facing a downsizing decision for financial reasons. I empathize with parents and kids alike who are in this situation. It is difficult to contemplate breaking that emotional attachment to the childhood home. But many times it should or must be done to preserve a reasonable financial future for the parents. Sometimes it is the adult children who should come forward and encourage their parents to surrender the large house for something smaller – more affordable and easier to care for. This can relieve present and future burdens for everyone.
Ideally, the parents would have the time and resources to create a gradual family downsizing transition. By this I mean actually acquiring the smaller home while still occupying the larger home. During the transition, the entire family can work together to create new bonds to the smaller home. One way that can be done is to hold traditional family celebrations in the downsized home. This builds memories and hopefully acceptance. Granted, this strategy cannot be used by many because of finances or because the downsizing decision may come later in life.
Harvey Araton, the author of the Times piece, couldn’t write about himself in the article but I know that he is downsizing with children who are not yet independent That strategy also makes sense, as the children can create new bonds to the home before they become independent.
Part of the problem with the angry children in the NY Times article is that they felt betrayed or lied to. That problem can be avoided by not making promises or representations to your children earlier in life. Proclaiming that this is a “forever house” can build up unrealistic expectations. Even if you honestly believed you would never downsize the family home, it helps to plant the seed that it might happen well before it actually does.
There is a downsizing bottom line. To me, that bottom line is that financial and practical considerations must trump the emotional ones. The warm glow of family home nostalgia will quickly be chilled if the parents suffer financially from trying to maintain it. The negative emotions associated with home downsizing can be overcome much more easily than can a negative cash flow.
What are your thoughts on the emotional side of home downsizing?
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I just downsized from a large home to a rental apartment. Though there was resistance from 2 older kids away for education and junior high kid still at home, we worked it out well in the following way. 1. Make kids part of the decision. They need to understand the reason for the move, and how it benefits them and not just the parents. I told them that if they need help in the future, the move will make it easier for us to come through for them. Secondly, I told them that as they will eventually inherit our assets, we were preserving our estate for them 2. I made sure that the move to the smaller apartment was not just a move down, but a move up in some ways. The apartment is now in the center of the action, and my son can walk to movies, restaurants etc and can use the mass transit now, and his friends can visit more easily, where before he had to be driven everywhere and was less independent and therefore he feels more grown up now.
In sum, think about what’s in it for the kids, and not just the parents. This is simply the point that Dale Carnegie made when he wrote how to “Win Friends and Influence People”
Dan: Excellent advice and approach to the problem. Selling to kids still at home as a win-win for everyone is important. Is this your first experience as a renter with kids?